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Wednesday, 11 November 2009

I appreciate the suggestions on yesterday's post. I realized after I posted it that I am just sick enough to find even the most simple, non-threatening things to be totally insurmountable at this moment. So there was definitely some of that going around.

Most of my "issues" with Christmas don't involve the physical going out and buying of presents, though I do need to do some of that. In terms of my main family of four, I pretty much know what I need to get, and have a plan for how to get it done, some of it by mail order and some by going to a physical store. The problem this year, as it seems to be every year, is the extended family.

In a nutshell, everyone's broke this year. More broke than usual. But somehow or other, no one wants to admit this, so we have to go through this charade of gift giving. My mother and I spoke about being okay with drawing names out of a hat, or something like that, but we are fairly sure that my brother and SIL will NOT want to do that, as my SIL always does all of her shopping in August, and is no doubt done by now. And no one wants to have this conversation with my brother and SIL because they get very huffy very easily, and it will just cause a huge family squabble.

Meanwhile, on the other side, we are flying to California to see DH's family this year. We leave on Dec. 25. All five of us (God help me, it looks as if SD is coming), flying to California, for a week, renting a car once we get out there. To my mind, this should be enough. But no. DH's family is all about the physical gift. So I proposed to DH's sister that we all pool our money and go out to dinner one night while we're there, or even just buy a bunch of groceries and all cook together at home. I haven't heard back from that, so I'm guessing that that idea is not appreciated. And this from a family where at least one member of each family has lost a job. What is wrong with these people?

I know, I know. You are all going to tell me I need to have the courage of my convictions and just stand up to all these people and say the hard truths that need to be said. That it is a different world, and that we are making different priorities, and that getting together with everyone in California is gift enough, given that everyone has their health, and that this is likely to be the last time that all the grandchildren of DH's parents are together in the same physical space without a coffin being in the room. I guess I just wish that DH would have the conversation with his own family--I could probably handle mine--but I'm guessing that he just doesn't have the stomach for that, now or in the future.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

I have a sizable list of (mostly) petty annoyances today, including the speakerphone button on my cell phone, various work related headaches and the fact that every weekend between now and mid-January is taken up with some obligation or other. I need to be dealing with Christmas shopping NOW, and I don't have time, I'm way late on devising a Thanksgiving menu (to my credit, I have lobbed this particular task off onto DH, who will help with it, but only on his time schedule, so I have to look like I'm nagging), and we have house guests coming this weekend, and the house is a wreak.

On the slightly larger scale of annoyances, I'm once again realizing how ineffectively we use the space in our house. Stuff gets scattered all over the floor, because we don't have room in closets or drawers. Books get stacked on their sides because the bookshelves are filled with detritus that doesn't belong there. I feel like I carve out one little, tiny corner of calm and organization, only to have some member of my family come and stack something that doesn't belong back in it. And to take my own bit of accountability, I have no time (or I don't make the time) to sort through the various papers and action items that I need to handle so that I can actually get stuff filed or thrown away. The amount of paper is at an all-time high, it seems, and nothing I seem to do even makes a dent in it.

I had a talk with a friend last night and we bemoaned the fact that everywhere we look, stress levels seem to be higher and higher. Any number of people in our circles of friends are either in crisis or heading that way very soon. There seems to be no solace. I remember this feeling last year, and maybe it is just a fall thing. Or maybe it indicates a seachange is needed.

I'm not feeling as though I can't do everything I need to do--I'm just feeling like a hamster on a wheel again. In a lot of ways, I feel more up to the tasks I have at hand than I ever have in the past, because I've found a new confidence in my abilities, and because I've been more willing to lay aside perfection. But that doesn't make it any less hard sometimes, and the fact that I seem to constantly put myself in these situations is really something that, one of these years, I ought to think about addressing.

Enough. I need to stop this ruminating and navel-gazing and start banging out things on my various to-do lists. My efforts to give up the entire to-do list concept have, indeed, met with failure, but I'm now trying to look at my lists in a different light...not as a long list of (mostly unpleasant) tasks that I have to do in order to not be a bad person, but more as something to keep me focused and on track with the many details that make up my life.

Peace be with you and among you, especially those of you who are hurting, spiritually or physically.

Monday, 09 November 2009

I really need to be working right now, and not blogging. I have a hellacious (sp?) week, all leading up to a big dinner and conference event on Thursday and Friday. But, I'm tired. And I need to rest my brain for a bit. There's only so much I can do, and tomorrow is another day. I'm not so much nervous or worried as I am just trying to maintain all the various lists I have.

We drove back from Chicago yesterday in one day, leaving the city later than we planned, and so rolled into our driveway at 1:00 am. I drove from Lock Haven, PA home because a certain other driver was being an a$$ and not recognizing his limitations, so I banned him from driving. The kids mainly slept the whole way, and really didn't fight all that much. As stressful in some ways as the drive was, I liked it better than flying. We didn't have to do the whole wait in line for security, have everything battoned down, no liquids over 3.5 oz, don't sneeze on the plane or everyone will stare at you and accuse you of giving them H1N1 nonsense. I kind of liked being in my little car and having my little family around me rather than the rest of grumpy humanity.

Enough. My brain is really not firing on all cylinders right now, so there is no need to continue babbling. Be well, all.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

A catch-up of sorts

I often drive to work in the morning full of witty little stories or vignettes that I want to put down here, problems that I'm dealing with, or whatever. Then I get to work, get ensconced in my day, and by the time I ever get around to getting over here, I'm wondering what I even thought was so witty and pithy about whatever I was going to write about. Hence my blogfast continues.

Lately it seems that many of the inanimate, but necessary objects in our life are rising up in protest. Our hand mixer, that gets heavily pressed into service around this time of year when we make a lot of thick, hearty soups, up and died. The Cuisinart is really on its last legs. My alarm clock decided it had had it with unfair working conditions and went on strike. The boiler/hot water heater combo unit is making an ominous clicking sound in the basement. Now the other toilet has decided to stop working, causing us to get our plumber who we really need to keep on retainer back over. The vacuum cleaner was making an extremely annoying whining sound, and also, you should pardon the expression, was not sucking in the appropriate manner.

We are currently trying to triage all of this. Wednesday was the morning to deal with the vacuum cleaner, which I would drop off on my way to work. In a rainstorm. After dropping off Bunny and her extremely fragile diorama that she had worked on for two nights straight. Like we didn't have enough going on that morning. But, feeling smug and happy that I could cross that one item off my to-do list, I bundled it into my car on Tuesday night, so I would have one less thing to worry about the next day. Score one for planning ahead. Somehow or other, my car ROOF had a leak in it, and water was running into the back of the car, where, you guessed it, the vacuum cleaner had been sitting, all night long.

I suppose dealing with broken inanimate objects is better than dealing with broken, hurt loved ones. So I'm trying to keep it all in perspective.

All for now. I'm solo parenting for the next few days while DH is in North Carolina. Then the following Wednesday whole lot of us leave for a wedding in Chicago. We're driving, in order to save money/see the country. I'm trying to get excited about this, but I'm afraid that 12 hours of Rte. 80 and cornfields may do us in. Wish us luck!

Peace be with you and among you!

Thursday, 08 October 2009

Like most everyone else around here, I haven't been posting much because I feel like I either don't have much to say, or I've said it all already. Plus, lack of time is getting legion. School's been in session for about a month, and it just now feels like we are finding our footing. Welcome to fall.

We're okay--on an even keel, I guess. As always, it could be worse. Some of it ain't a lot of fun, I must say--since my last post was about my stupid car needing a boat-load of repairs, I'll spare you the saga of the shower, which finally got fixed yesterday (only took a month) for the low low price of $600. Meanwhile, that little issue caused me to spend a whole lot more time in our other bathroom, which I realized with horror is falling apart. Broken fixtures, peeling wallpaper, tile problems, you name it. I'm fighting the urge to tear the whole thing apart.

But there's good stuff, too. I've had a couple of good, solid weeks of decluttering progress--I'm back to the tallying marks again, not specifically working towards a goal, just keeping a tally for the week. At least it lets me note the progress on paper, if I can't exactly see great amounts of progress (what's UP with that, anyway?? You'd think that if I had actually, physically moved 60 items out of my house, I might see some difference, somewhere, right? Not so much. Still feels like I'm rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic...).

What else...my kids are positively beautiful and loving and wonderful. Cat has really turned a corner in terms of maturity in a lot of ways. She's controlling her temper better, more able to negotiate without immediately backing herself into a corner, and understanding people's needs more. As someone put it, she gets an A for effort, every single time. Bunny is exhibiting some interesting "push the envelope" sorts of traits, that I'm wondering about--"forgetting" to do her homework, refusing to do chores, just generally making bad choices. I'm pretty sure some of it is jealousy, so I'm trying to walk a finer line with who gets to do what, when, and really, really praise her when she does something well. It's a juggle.

I'm still struggling with the idea of graduate school. I change my mind about every other day. But that's an entry for another day. I have started working out again, although not as regularly as I would like. I definitely notice a difference, and almost immediately, too. Not in physical pounds gone away, but in the way my whole carriage feels. Less soft.

All for now. I'm not going to publicly recommit to blogging, or sign off officially, either. Just take me as I am, right now, which is fairly itinerant.

Peace be with you and among you!